An open letter…

To,

Dear World,

Sometimes I wonder what’s the purpose of my life? A wonderful childhood, a scarred teenage, a challenging youth. I don’t know if god wants me to increase my faith in him or he wants to try every possible way to make me strong (read – break me). I’ve been blessed with a good career and wonderful group of friends and family. I’ve tried to fulfill some of my family’s dreams, I’ve tried to break through shackles, emotional, financial, societal and find my temporary happy place (read- by escaping normal life). I’ve had a lot of things to deal with- bad finances, back-stabbing by people who I trusted, heartbreaks, tantrums for not being married yet, responsibility at a young age. After all of this, I get to hear – you are too demanding, you trusted too much, you shouldn’t have loved unconditionally, you should have realized where to stop, you should have saved more, you need to compromise on your conditions to be married, you are getting old, you need to trust.

What I don’t understand is whatever I do is always judged, I’m never even close to perfect. If I’ve fared well in my career and I am unable to find a suitable boy to settle down with it’s my fault. If the guy I fell in love chose to leave me because he couldn’t convince his parents to marry me (as I didn’t belong to his caste) it’s my fault. If I had to deal with multiple expenses to keep my family happy in the present and not save up enough it’s my fault. If my parents fall sick it’s my fault. I chose career and independence over early marriage, it’s my fault. I fell in love with a guy who knew how difficult it was for me to trust and he assured he wouldn’t be that person, alas my fate overruled his word. If I ask for a deliverable on a due date, I’m a bad manager, if I don’t deliver on due date, I’m a bad reportee. I’m too emotional and giving which lets people take me for a ride so it’s my fault. I’m vocal about my feelings, it’s definitely my fault because it cost me a lot. I am too stressed with so much happening, it’s my fault. I fight for the right things even if I’m not party to the benefits of the outcome, it’s my fault for people give up and show me in poor light. I overeat to run away from stress its my fault. I make time for my loved ones and when I am upset about their unavailability it’s my fault because I expected. I couldn’t pursue a Masters degree from a prestigious institution because I had responsibilities to cater to but it’s my fault. I didn’t study to be an engineer it’s my fault. Few people around me have bad marriages so it’s my fault because my circle defines if I’m marriage material. I am brave like a boy, but I am girl, it’s my fault. I get angry because people give me reason to be, but it’s my fault. I’m against dowry or a lavish wedding, it’s my fault.

After all this, each day I fight a battle to make myself feel good about where I’m, what I’m doing but the world doesn’t leave any opportunity to make me feel worthless. The universe never leaves me without challenges. Amidst challenges I try to find my happy moments but something new is thrown at me to deal with. I reach the point of giving up only to realize how my mom never gave up, how strong she is, if she can do it, if she can motivate me I surely can sail through. And the biggest blow was when a dear one said, the pain is a result of what I wanted and not what they wanted. But honestly if I had my way why would I inflict pain on myself, why would I spend sleepless nights figuring out how to fix things, why would I have to battle everyday with compromised choices I make why would I not have had every single thing my way?

Dear world, I’m not perfect and I don’t want to be perfect as per your definition. I’m sure people have greater challenges to deal with but maybe they are stronger, emotionally, financially, mentally, physically and I’m not as good as them. If you can’t appreciate me for who I’m don’t undermine my self-esteem and self-confidence. I too dream of everything just the way you do, a beautiful house, a happy, healthy and content family, a car, jewelry, a partner who loves me unconditionally and accepts me for who I’m, a great career, travel memories around the globe, a hefty pay package and a blessed life. I’m just another human being, only because I deal with things differently doesn’t imply I have no feelings. Requesting you to respect and accept me for who I’m.

Dear loved ones, I love you unconditionally, don’t take me for granted!

Yours truly,

A person whose self-esteem has been undermined.